I’m really good at building walls. I like them. I feel safe and secure, guarded from the inevitable disappointment or hurt found in forging new relationships. It’s much easier and less daunting to maintain something than to charge ahead into new territory. I don’t share pain easily – not because I feel the need to have this perfect image or life. I don’t share pain because it’s just … painful. It’s showing a vulnerability, and if a person can identify your weaknesses, well, then, you’re just playing defense. Crazy, I know!
It was January 2012 when I blurted out briefly to a friend that I was struggling with insomnia. It was a quick, almost incoherent sentence, in passing. She looked intently at me and said, “You need to share this with the small group,” referring to the group of ladies I met with at my church. I mumbled, “I’ll think about it,” and the moment ended as we were joined by others. I did think about it, prayed about it, discussed it with my husband and dreaded it. I knew I needed to do it, but wow, I really didn’t want to go there. I love my walls!
My small group met early on Wednesday mornings – the unholy hour of 6 am, to be exact. I showed up the morning following my conversation with my friend, not really prepared to divulge anything, but it had been on my mind. As we chatted and caught up, I was completely taken aback by what followed. All of a sudden, I began to share what was going on with these precious friends; the dam broke, and the flooding waters swirled in and around me, over my head, and I was poured out until there was nothing left. Empty, bereft, I blubbered and sobbed. Everything was in the open now. These wonderful, amazing women, wrapped their loving arms around me, prayed for me, held me and wiped my tears away. I felt very secure.
I now had a small support system. My small group listened to me … a lot. They covered me in prayer – about possible treatment, peaceful sleep, my family and responsibilities -everything! I felt a huge burden lifted. Secrets weigh so much! I am incredibly thankful for this group of ladies the Lord put in my life at this specific time! They walked through this valley with me, and I am eternally grateful!
Does it ever seem like as soon as you make one step forward, you’re immediately forced backwards? 2012 was not a stellar year for this family. If it could go wrong, it did! We faced circumstances and situations that we never dreamed we would face. We were chewed up, spit out, then chewed up again. It was an incredibly difficult time for our family and we each bear multiple scars from it. Tack this stuff onto an insomniac at the end of her rope, and you’ve got a recipe for – you know – disaster!